mrs_roadkill

I am a little late in this post.  Hopefully most of you see the caringbridge site.

Friday Feb 27, 2009 5PM to 10PM

The pool house and party room between the 1360 and 1380  Terrace apartment buildings.
Please park in the second parking lot on Terrace.  The pool house and party room door will be open.  The others are locked.

 

I'll bring Bob.
You can bring a food item and a beverage to share.
There is a pool but no hot tub.  They have changing room with showers.
 ps I'll have hamburgers.

I am attending Supercon this weekend.  Something never done as a couple.  I am missing COTN which was done as a couple.  They are doing a Roadkill memorial gaming room which is pretty spiffy.  I am trying to get some emotional safeness this year.  Don't know if that is working. 

I am going around with asthma medicine and side affects.  Not fun.  This new one is another no go.

I am excited that my Mom is going to visit later this month.

I am planning a Birth of the Dragon celebration Feb 27.  Hope you all can make it.  I will get details out when I have the address and such.

I am sad but ok.  The snow carving went well this year I have some pics on the caringbridge site.  The guys did a great job and it was COLD.

I really miss Bob.  I was reading the other day and heard a car door and thought "Bob's home!"  not to be. 

Time for bed.  Good night.

I am enjoying all the turkey.  having someone else cook was nice but me cooking was wonderful.  I ENJOYED it.  I have not been cooking to much because Bob and I cooked together mostly.  Or I would cook him something as a treat or he would cook me something as a treat.  So many memories.   I am being better!  I am hoping I don't back slide so badly as last time but I am trying to be prepared for the back and forth up and down of grief.   I am very hopeful that I can if not maintain myself in this mode at least get back to it if I slip back.

I am thankful for all of my friends.  This would suck more with out all of you.  Hope everyone had a good turkey day. 

I am grieving Bob. I am trying to cope with all these flashback feelings about Bob.  We were in home hospice this time last year trying to figure out how to get Bob to DisneyWorld. I was still ( and still am) grieving my Dad.   I am having problems with my thyroid.  new cysts and have had radioactive test and ultra sound and am still not sure what is happening.  My Mom is having a CT scan this morning for a spot in her lung x-ray.  I am feeling soooo overwhelmed. I want to hide.  I want to cry. I want to scream at the Universe--"NO MORE" 
OmegaCon is this weekend and I am all messed up about my feelings for that.  it was Bob and I 's triumph.  I like to think our Consuite rocked.   I tried to carry on but it was all too much this year.  Now I feel guilty for not doing Consuite.  But when I think of going I almost hyperventilate. I have talked to Bob about it and I feel he is ok with my bowing out  this year.  But emotions are tricky.  They don't listen to your brain or to logic.  I am going to work and mostly eating.  Caring for the kitties and the fish although the plants are  complaining that I am not watering them regularly.  Everything else just sits. I am told I am doing well but it doesn't feel that way.   How do you get out of this yucky place?  I know--I know-- live through it and it gets better.  doesn't help me right now.

I cleaned the downstairs fish tanks Sunday and my left arm is bruised on the top of the forearm and on the underside of my upper arm in several places.  Today they are very purple.  I had my exercise class Mond night and ouchy .  I took a hot bath last night and some naproxen.  Slept pretty good but I can feel the sort of achy I worked out feeling.  Not that that is bad but  I hope it gets better.

That led me to "why haven't I been taking baths?"  Well I found out why last night.  I got a little cry-y in the tub.  The tub that Bob built.  The tub that Bob built for ME.  Where we snuggled in and jaccuzied and sometimes bubble bath and sometimes had cognac because the balloon glasses float and the hot water keeps the cognac the right temperature.  Where Bob proposed to me.  Where we had fore or after -play.   Where I could read a book and then knock on the wall and have a Troll come from other parts of the house and get me wine or hot tea and/or chips or popcorn or chocolate or a kiss.  All really good memories.

Tomorrow night I have painting class again.   I am the only true beginner in the class as everyone else has painted before.  I feel pretty good though about the bit I got done.  While very far from 'master' it isn't the worst.  And I am painting left handed.  That leaves the right for the cigar.

Robert and Aria talked me into going to Ren Fest  with them today.  I am looking forward to it.  There should be some familiar faces there.  I have been feeling *better* I am hoping that continues and I don't get slapped down again.  I want to start on the house and am trying to get a game plan going.  Where to start? AUgh!  Tomorrow hopefully I will have some energy after today's event and I can putz around some.  I seem to get a lot of little things done when I putz around rather than when I attack.

WOW-  my kitties let me sleep in this morning!  My Mom called at 8:44 and I was STILL in bed.  I am thinking of going to the Sprall of America and just wandering.  MMMM... Magic pan... mmm....  Tiger Sushi....
maybe get a haircut.  My hair is the longest its been for a long time.  So I am debating just a trim or butcher...

I have been taking pain killers the last few nights and I think I am actually sleeping hard for a bit each night.  It feels goods to sleep.  My Mom is coming Sept 16 (hopefully) on the train and so will be here for Bob's birthday Sept 17.  I have asked and work said I could take the week of X-mas so I need to get the train tickets and that is all set.  Both my Mom and I are excited that I can be home for X-Mas.  Bob and I always hunkered in for holidays and had lots of couple time and got grounded and mushy and recharged.  This way I will not be "alone" for the Holiday.
It is weird how I feel ok but not ok all at the same time.  That life of paradox.  I guess this can go on for years.  Big sigh.  I am somewhat coming out of the fog.  It is hard to "be gentle" with myself.  So today I am indulging in my "run away" mode and my "let's pamper Susan" mode and "I want to shop" mode and "let's EAT" mode.  Tuesday I am starting my weight watcher points again and hopefully will keep walking every  day or almost everyday.  I need to start excavating the house as I think some of the mess is part of my not being happy.  I really thought I would go into cleaning frenzy after Bob died  but I have done the opposite.  It just brings home the point-none of knows how we will respond to grief.  so....  grief sucks!